Friday, August 12, 2011

I'm going insane over this... more insane than I already am?

I'll keep this short and sweet - I currently suffer from schizophrenia. I have paranoia, delusions, and hallucinations. My medication makes it a little easier to live with my condition, and it helps me organize my thoughts. I needed to write this question over about 4 times just to make sure it made sense. Anyways I am doing very well in school. I have a 4.3 overall hs GPA thanks to the support of my best friend and my parents. However I didn't realize until this year (I am a junior right now) that I am not liked by the other kids. I don't know why I'm not, maybe they are jealous of me? I'm kind of angry at them because you're not supposed to be jealous of a schizophrenic. They don't know about my mental state though. Recently, I was accepted into a lot of summer programs at top-ranked universities. I was overjoyed, and so was my family and close friends. I don't have a lot of friends. I have this modesty in which I don't want to show people my report cards because I don't want them to talk behind my back, because I know they do. I rarely tell people my grades, I only tell them what classes I take IF they ask. If they don't ask then I have no business or reason to tell them. I was accepted into a lot of AP classes next year but I dropped some of them because I don't think being under a lot of stress is good for me, and my mom agreed. There's this one student in my grade who is highly competitive. I am not very competitive to begin with, I just do whatever I can and do the best I can. Everyone knows he talks bout people behind their backs and he doesn't have much emotional intelligence. I shouldn't be talking about emotional intelligence, but you get my drift. He asked me all year about my grades and my classes and I told him. He asked me about my summer program acceptances and I told them about those too. However, I decided to drop most of my APs about 2 days ago after I took my last AP test this year. I also mixed up my SAT and SAT 2 dates this month (everyone knew I was taking reasoning in June and subject tests in May, but I mixed the dates up). I didn't realize until the day of because of the craziness of AP week and all of this pressure I was up to my neck in. Then he got kind of suspicious of me, maybe it's my paranoia, but I swear it isn't, this time I know what I'm saying. He's been spreading lies about me the entire year, saying how I'm lying about my grades, and he did digging in my files about my AP acceptances for senior year, and he didn't know I dropped some of them and saw I was not accepted into Calc, but I was, I just decided to drop that one along with a few others. He tells everyone I am not as intelligent as I act, and I don't act very intelligent at all. Sometimes I help people with math but that is only because they ask me for help, not to show off. I am always studying because it is hard for me to study normally like everyone else, it's easier to let real voices into my head rather than the ones from my auditory hallucinations, so I always study in front of everyone. Now everyone in my grade believes I am a liar and I don't know what to do. I've never been in this situation before. Please help me.

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