COLLEGE STUDENTS HELP PLEASE!?

If you email me these two, I will edit them for you. It is hard to include all the comments for both in this little space. Your first one needs a stronger and more personal attention grabber. Focus more on your father. Perhaps include part of the story of what he witnessed. Then discuss how hearing about why he left his country for America has shown you that you need to be greatful for the life and experiences that he has made possible.